Pia Mellody

Communication Using an Internal Boundary 2

 I know I generally start Tuesday's blog saying "If you haven't read Monday's blog, go back and start there". Well, today isn't any different! This week we're discussing great tips on communication taken from Pia Mellody's book The Intimacy Factor, & yesterday Teri went over a great introduction describing internal boundaries, along with 4 great communication tips. Here are 5 more communication tips for TALKING:

5. State what happened or what you want to share without using words that are demeaning (report sensory input). For example, say what you saw &/or heard: "You play the music loud."
 6. State what you believe or made up about what you stated in Rule 5. This is where you share your thoughts about why you believe the person did what they did in #5. "What I made up in my mind was that you did not care about my comfort."
7. State how you feel or made yourself feel regarding what you said in Rule 6. In other words share your feelings."And I made myself feel angry and I felt shame."
8. State what you did regarding your thoughts (stated in Rule 5) and your feelings (stated in Rule 6): "And I decided to talk to you about the way you handle the music and the way I felt".
9. State how you would prefer things to be, if appropriate. If negotiation is required, start the process as follows: Identify the problem; propose various solutions; choose a solution; and put the solution into action. Evaluate the results to see if further negotiation is necessary.
Realize that it is easier for someone to be less defensive as a listener if you use the phrases "made up about that" and "made myself feel about that", than if you were to say "you, you, you". Notice the difference?". We hope if you try these talking techniques you start seeing differences in the way the people in your life respond back. Please check back in as Natalie & Joleen go over LISTENING tips on Thursday & Friday. Thanks for reading!
*Material taken from Pia Mellody's book The Intimacy Factor.

 

Written by: Tamara Wilhelm MA, LMHC

*Tamara enjoys doing marriage counseling, individual counseling, & couples counseling  at Imagine Hope. We also specialize in family counseling, child & adolescent counseling. Imagine Hope serves the Indianapolis area, including the surrounding areas of Carmel, Noblesville, Zionsville, Westfield & Fishers.

Communication Using an Internal Boundary 1

Pia Mellody is one of my favorite self-help authors. Tamara and I were able to hear her speak last fall at a conference! In her latest book "The Intimacy Factor", she discusses many things related to boundaries. She specifically discusses an internal boundary system, which helps a person stay protected and contained when interacting with others. A Functional Internal Listening Boundary "sorts through what others are saying and feeling and only takes in and has feelings about what he knows to be truth". This filtering system acts as a protective layer between you and others. A Functional Talking Internal Boundary "talks clearly, but in a politic and diplomatic manner and releases their emotions with moderation". This serves as personal containment where you don't give too much when interacting with another. This week Imagine Hope wants you to understand this internal boundary system to help you communicate with others in healthy ways. Keep reading all week as we cover things to remember when listening and talking. Talking Tips: 1. Set your external physical boundary in order to be more comfortable as you talk. Make sure you are standing or sitting at an appropriate distance from the other person, rather than too close or too far, which could cause discomfort.

2. Remind yourself not to blame.

3. Remind yourself you are sharing to be known, not to control or manipulate.

4. Remind yourself to moderate your emotions as you speak. Try to breathe deeply when you are experiencing emotion. Remember to use these tips when talking with others.

Tomorrow Tamara will give us more reminders to help us make sure we are being heard by others in a healthy way. Make sure you practice "containing" yourself in order to get your point across. Sharing everything that comes to mind will not be effective communication.

* Information from today's blog is taken from "The Intimacy Factor" by Pia Mellody and from her lecture at a conference.

Written by Teri Claassen MSW, LCSW Teri Claassen MSW, LCSW is a licensed therapist at Imagine Hope Counseling Group. Teri enjoys doing marriage counseling, individual counseling, couples and relationship counseling. Teri also does family counseling, child counseling, and adolescent counseling.  Imagine Hope serves the Indianapolis area, including the surrounding areas of Carmel, Fishers, Noblesville, Zionsville, and Westfield.

Pia Mellody's Relationship Maxims 7-12

In continuance of our blog this week, here are more of Pia Mellody's maxims: 7. Lead your life and see who shows up. When you honor your own personal beliefs and goals, you will find yourself peaceful enough to wait for the right person to show up that honors your personal beliefs as well. If you are healthy, then you will attract healthy people.

8. When walled-in people develop healthy boundaries, they will at first feel naked and vulnerable. When hiding behind walls in relationships, you cannot connect with people, nor can they connect with you. It's isolating and lonely. When you do away with the walls you once felt comfortable with, healthy boundaries can feel very uncomfortable.

9. Resentment is like taking poison in the hope that your enemy will die. "Resentment and self-pity are important when we feel someone has wronged us and treated us as if we were worthless. Resentment and self-pity help us go to a proper defense. But, when we falsely feel that we are victims, when we feel the need to get even with someone who has not victimized us, we become obnoxious and self-defeating".

10. Getting esteem from someone else never creates self-esteem. Self-esteem comes from inside of ourselves. It does not waiver & holds strong in the face of judgement of others. The esteem that comes from praise from other people is called other-esteem, and varies from person to person.

11. Sex is not the equivalent of a handshake or emptying your bladder. "Using sex to introduce yourself to somebody is not good self-care, because you don't know the person well enough to be doing something that intimate. Becoming emotionally vulnerable with someone you don't know is dangerous".

12. Setting up a boundary with those who are boundaryless makes them feel abandoned. People who don't have any boundaries at all generally get too close & overstep other's spaces. If you put a boundary on them, they will feel threatened, no matter how healthy the boundary. The opposite is true as well. Those who have walls for boundaries will feel naked when the wall is removed and feel very vulnerable with appropriate boundaries in place.

Thank you for reading, and check back in as we go over more relationship maxims. Hope you've been enjoying so far!

*adapted or directly quoted from Pia Mellody's book The Intimacy Factor  pgs 137-138.

Written by: Tamara Wilhelm MA, LMHC

*Tamara enjoys doing marriage counseling, individual counseling, & couples counselingat Imagine Hope. We also specialize in family counseling, child & adolescent counseling. Imagine Hope serves the Indianapolis area, including the surrounding areas of Carmel, Noblesville, Zionsville, Westfield & Fishers.

Pia Mellody's Relationship Maxims 1-6

Tamara and I had a chance to go to Chicago for a conference a few weeks ago, and while there we heard Pia Mellody speak. Mellody is a true pioneer in the therapy field and has written many books that we recommend to clients on a regular basis. In her latest book, "The Intimacy Factor", Mellody dedicates a chapter to her "24 Relationship Maxims". These relationship standards and truths are a great guide for everyone to follow while on a journey to a healthy relationship. This week Imagine Hope will be sharing these truths with you to use in your relationships! Pia Mellody's Relationship Maxims 1-6

1. You cannot "nice" someone into a relationship- Being real in a relationship and being nice are very different. Being nice is a mask and does not offer truth and intimacy, it is nonrelational.

2. You can't be distant and caring. When you care for someone, you are there for that person- Show up and pay attention otherwise distance will result. Care most often requires hands-on involvement.

3. If you are judgmental, your value system may be too big- People with a big value system tend to look at people who see things differently as "bad" rather than different. They put themselves in a "one-up" position in order to look down on all the "wrong" people. At the end we are left with a big value system and a small number of friends.

4. Our own experience of shame makes it possible to be relational- When you accept your own humanness and imperfection, you are less likely to judge and be more humble. Humility is recognizing both our strengths and weaknesses.

5. We choose our behavior. The world chooses our consequences- We cannot control how our actions will be received by others. We surrender the right to decide that when in a relationship.

6. Date only the people you admire enough to criticize- "Dating should be about finding out who our potential partner is. But when we date and find someone we really like, rather than putting in the time to find out who he or she really is, we spend our time ignoring that. We focus only on the parts of our date that we find pleasant. and try to dismiss the rest. As the relationships ages, the opposite happens, and we focus on what we don't like and ignore what we do" (p. 136)

* the above is adapted or directly quoted from "The Intimacy Factor" by Pia Mellody pages 135-136

Keep reading this week to see more of Mellody's Relationship Maxims!

Written by Teri Claassen MSW, LCSW

Teri Claassen MSW, LCSW is a licensed therapist at Imagine Hope Counseling Group. Teri enjoys doing marriage counseling, individual counseling, couples and relationship counseling. Teri also does family counseling, child counseling, and adolescent counseling. Imagine Hope serves the Indianapolis area, including the surrounding  areas of Carmel, Fishers, Noblesville, Zionsville, and Westfield.