Abandonment

What Does it Mean When You Have Abandonment Issues? Part 5

What Does it Mean When You Have Abandonment Issues? Part 5

Imagine Hope Counseling Group has been discussing abandonment issues this week. If you haven’t gotten a chance to read the earlier posts in this series, we encourage you to read

What Does it Mean When You Have Abandonment Issues? Part 4

This week, we are discussing abandonment issues, and the struggle that individuals with abandonment issues go through. Part 1 and part 2 describe abandonment issues, and part 3 begins to describe the stages that abandonment issues can take.

I want to reiterate what Tamara said, this is different than the normal stages of grief and loss. Everyone experiences these stages.

The abandonment we are discussing goes far beyond that. It pushes something in us that causes us to react to things differently than "normal" grief and loss would.

I am going to discuss 2 more stages today:

Withdrawl

This stage is much like withdrawal symptoms when someone stops using drugs or alcohol, or any addiction for that matter. It is the aching, longing, the craving to have that person back. They yearn for the person to come back. The needs they were filling are more readily noticed and the void feels huge! The same as an addict, you feel the loss of appetite, not being able to sleep, staying awake trying to figure out how to get them back. You feel the true loss and separation in this stage.

Internalizing

This is the most critical of the stages for 2 reasons:

1. You are very vulnerable. You are walking around with an open, gaping wound! You are susceptible to being hurt even worse because of your wound. If you latch on to someone at this stage, you could easily be taken advantage of and hurt even more deeply.

2. You beat yourself up during this stage, making you even more vulnerable. You bargain with yourself. "What if I would of? I should have, could have...". Because you are doubting yourself, your self-esteem is taking a beating. This makes you a target for someone to treat you bad and to get into a bad relationship- which could start the cycle over again.

It is important during the stages of withdrawl and internalizing that you understand what is going on. Get support from family and friends who will help you and support you. This is a great time to seek counseling as well.

Tomorrow Joleen will discuss our last 2 stages. Thank you for reading.

Adapted from "The Journey from Abandonment to Healing" by Susan Anderson http://www.abandonment.net/

*Natalie Chandler, MA, LMHC is a therapist at Imagine Hope Counseling Group. Natalie enjoys doing marriage counseling, individual counseling, and couples counseling. We also specialize in family counseling, child, and adolescent counseling. Imagine Hope serves the Indianapolis area including the surrounding areas of Carmel, Fishers, Noblesville, Westfield, and Zionsville

What Does it Mean When You Have Abandonment Issues? Part 3

What Does it Mean When You Have Abandonment Issues? Part 3

Abandonment, as we have discussed in part 1  and part 2 of this weeks blog series so far, is similar to grief.

With both, you experience a loss. However with grief, the more time that elapses, the intensity of the loss decreases. With abandonment, the difference is that the loss feels personal. The intensity of the loss does not decrease because it feels personal.

What Does it Mean When You Have Abandonment Issues? Part 2

What Does it Mean When You Have Abandonment Issues? Part 2

Have you heard someone say they suffer from abandonment issues? Most people think about adoption or being left on a door step as a child, but abandonment issues can be caused by many more life experiences.

Secrets: The Difference Between Toxic and Healthy Secrets

Secrets:  The Difference Between Toxic and Healthy Secrets

So now you know what toxic and healthy secrets look like and how they impact your relationships… How do you know the difference between the two?  Here are some questions to ask yourself that might help you determine the difference:

Relationship Exits Part 4

Relationship Exits Part 4

This week we are discussing ways we exit relationships. Most of the time these exits aren't actually us leaving physically but emotionally. Each day we have been talking about these exits. Please check out the previous blogs to read the ones prior to today. 

Lying and Trust Issues Part 3

Lying and Trust Issues Part 3

Why do people have trust issues? Most of us have been hurt at some point in our history.  Some of us still have wounds from those hurts.  It takes a lot of brave work to heal some of those wounds.  When we have pain from lies, betrayals, disappointments, and abandonment that is not healed, that pain can cause a person to have real trouble trusting others and establishing intimacy.

Basic Human Needs Part 2

Basic Human Needs Part 2

Most of us enjoy knowing the person we're speaking with has heard us, even if that person does not always agree or fully understand. This is true for every age group, young and old. Think back to being a teenager, or raising your teen.

How to Find Mr. or Mrs. Right Part 4 & 5

How to Find Mr. or Mrs. Right Part 4 & 5

This week we are discussing how to find Mr. or Mrs. Right. Hopefully you're finding it helpful than the traditional "advice" most people give. We want to encourage more in depth and hopefully healthy thinking around the topic. The first one......don't talk yourself out of pink and red flags! 

How to Find Mr or Mrs Right Part 2-3

How to Find Mr or Mrs Right Part 2-3

Tip #2 - Be the person you think your Ideal would be attracted to. First off, WE'RE NOT SAYING CHANGE WHO YOU ARE IN ORDER TO GET SOMEONE TO LIKE YOU. Quite the opposite. Here's what we mean by this: Think about the type of person with whom you would like to be with in a relationship. What type of qualities do they possess?

How To Love Yourself

We all fail. It’s part of being human. Unfortunately many people respond to their mistakes with self-hatred and condemnation. The voice inside beats a person up like an internal bully and abuses it's victim relentlessly.

Believing the lies of this voice results in shame issues, feelings of abandonment, isolation and destruction in relationships.

When a person is under the influence of these issues, they often have trouble giving and receiving love. The voice tells them that they are not loveable due to their failures, so the result is a “love repellant”. The ability to love ones self is negated by the voice; therefore, the ability to accept another’s love is too.

The voice can be strong and will grow overtime when it is reinforced.

So what weapons can we use against such a powerful negative self-critic? LOVE YOURSELF.

This week we are going to share simple, yet powerful tools to help you learn to love yourself and practice it regularly.

As you can see, if you don’t learn the skills to love yourself, you will likely fall into the painful voice’s trap where your thoughts and relationship will be twisted to support it’s lies that you are not loveable.

Read all week for great tools to fight against and be free from the negative voice inside!

Written by Teri Claassen MSW, LCSW, LCAC

Teri Claassen MSW, LCSW, LCAC is a licensed therapist at Imagine Hope Counseling Group. Teri does virtual therapy for residents of Indiana and Florida using videoconferencing technology. Teri enjoys doing marriage counseling, individual counseling, couples and relationship counseling. Teri also does family counseling and adolescent counseling.

8 Ways To Screw Up Your Kids- Shut Down Emotion

We often share tips on parenting of what you SHOULD do to help your kids become emotionally healthy adults, but this week we are looking at what NOT to do. This week we will share Julie Hanks' list of 8 surefire ways to emotionally screw up your kid. As much as we hope that our readers know these already, it is a great reminder to help us stay focused on emotionally healthy parenting and make changes in our weak spots.

#1 Shut down all emotional expression

Emotion is normal for all humans! We all have them and feel them. We just have different ways of processing them and expressing them.

A way to mess up your child is by teaching them that emotion is not normal. Making fun of a child's emotions, telling them to get over it, and telling them that how they feel is wrong will start them on a road to shutting off their emotions.

Also threatening your child to stop feeling will create a shut down. For example, by saying something like, "Stop crying or I will give you something to cry about."

It will also hurt your child if you don't connect with them when they are expressing emotions. If you withhold comfort and love when a child is upset, they will learn the rejection of you is so painful that they will just stop feeling so they don't have to feel the pain of their situation and your rejection.

When a parent is highly emotional and reactive, it can cause a child to halt their emotional process. There isn't enough room for 2 people having an emotional melt down, so the child will often shift into a caretaker role of the parent when this happens.

More ways to screw up your kids coming tomorrow. Thanks for reading!

Source: 8 Surefire Ways to Emotionally Screw Up Your Kid by Julie Hanks found on PsychCentral.com

Written by Teri Claassen MSW, LCSW, LCAC

Teri Claassen MSW, LCSW, LCAC is a licensed therapist at Imagine Hope Counseling Group. Teri does virtual therapy for residents of Indiana and Florida using videoconferencing technology. Teri enjoys doing marriage counseling, individual counseling, couples and relationship counseling. Teri also does family counseling and adolescent counseling.

How To Get Over A Breakup-1

Most people have experienced a hard breakup at some point in their life. The loss of the "norm" of being in a relationship can rattle you and cause strong emotional reactions. After all you are used to being connected to that person in some way, positive or negative, for a part of your life. Even when we know that the break up might be a good thing and healthy for us, or if you are the one breaking it off, there still is a grieving period as the loss settles in. You might notice emotional spirals, irrational thought patterns, and even depression after a break up.

Know that the emotional pain is normal and expected after a break up. But be careful to not loose yourself in the pain and find yourself at a deep emotional low if you don't push through the pain to the other side.

The Missing Piece Meets The Big O by Shel Silverstein is a great and simple reminder of what it means to be healthy in a relationship (by becoming a Big O) and stop trying to complete others by being their Missing Piece. Click Here to watch a short video of the kid's book.

Are you a Missing Piece or A Big O? After a break up, it is important to become a Big O and roll through life in a healthy way.

Keep checking in this week for tips to follow after a break up. Remember to work towards being ok being alone and become a healthy and complete "Big O"!

 

Source: How to get over a break up by Nathan Feiles

Written by Teri Claassen MSW, LCSW, LCAC

Teri Claassen MSW, LCSW, LCAC is a licensed therapist at Imagine Hope Counseling Group. Teri does virtual therapy for residents of Indiana and Florida using videoconferencing technology. Teri enjoys doing marriage counseling, individual counseling, couples and relationship counseling. Teri also does family counseling and adolescent counseling.

Spring Book Recommendations- Joleen

The subject of ambiguous loss is a relatively new one to me, as it relates to therapy, but is one that we frequently see with our clients (as well as in our own lives!).  Pauline Boss' book "Ambiguous Loss:  Learning To Live With Unresolved Grief" is one of the most amazing books I have read so far this spring! What is Ambiguous Loss? 

Ambiguous Loss is when you have no closure with loss, or when loss is surrounded by uncertainty and ambiguity-- examples of this are divorce,  addictions, infidelity, dealing with an aging parent, coping with the loss of a missing child, dealing with a relationship breakup, just to name a few.  Unlike death, which has finality and an ending, ambiguous loss can be traumatic in that the survivors of this type of loss still have to deal with so much uncertainty in the healing process.  The two ways Boss explains this type of loss:  When a person is present physically, but is psychologically or emotionally absent (e.g., divorce, relationship break up, mental illness, alzheimer's disease)-- or when a person is physically absent, but is still psychologically or emotionally present (e.g., a missing child, a soldier who is missing in action).

This book not only explains ambiguous loss, but helps the reader to recognize how this type of loss is surrounded by fluctuating feelings of hope to hopelessness, while trying to make sense and find meaning in such loss. 

If you recognize an area where you might be dealing with ambiguous loss, this book is highly recommended!

For clinician's working with Ambiguous Loss in therapy, Pauline Boss' book "Loss, Trauma, and Resilience:  Therapeutic Work with Ambiguous Loss" is a great reference in working with clients, as well.

Joleen Watson, MS, NCC, is a therapist at Imagine Hope Counseling Group. She enjoys doing marriage counseling, relationship counseling, couples counseling, and individual counseling.  Imagine Hope also specializes in family, child and adolescent counseling and serves Indianapolis area including the surrounding areas of Carmel, Noblesville, Zionsville, Westfield, and Fishers.

Spring Book Recommendations- Natalie

Constantly Craving by Marilyn Meberg This book is a wonderful book that is insightful, engaging, and filled with humor. Marilyn has a way of getting her points across in an easy fashion and lets you enjoy her books by filling them with stories that make you laugh and make you cry.

We all have a craving for more. More time, more material possessions, more love, more this, more that, more chocolate......you get the point. In this book, she addresses why we all have a craving for more in life. Why do we crave more out of our relationships, our marriages, our jobs, our time, and ultimately out of life? Can any of these things fill us up? Marilyn gives you wisdom in answering this question and guidance in obtaining what you are craving.

She also talks about non-traditional cravings such as one for revenge or a craving for relief from guilt and not feeling forgiven.

If you find you want more and you are not sure what it is, this book is for you. Or if you get what it is you are craving and you still don't feel "full", read on.

Written by Natalie Chandler

Natalie Chandler, MA, LMHC is a therapist at Imagine Hope Counseling Group. Natalie enjoys doing marriage counseling, individual counseling, and couples counseling. We also specialize in family counseling, child, and adolescent counseling. Imagine Hope serves the Indianapolis area including the surrounding areas of Carmel, Fishers, Noblesville, Westfield, and Zionsville

 

Tips to Nurture Relationships 1

We all have moments where we stop and think “I should call and check on so-and-so to see how they are”, or “I should really make an effort with this person to do more”.  Life often has a way of getting in between relationships—whether they are friendships, your family, or even your marriage. Relationships don’t just happen.  They take time, effort, love, patience, sacrifice, and nurturing to keep them in existence and to help them grow.  This week at Imagine Hope we are talking about the importance of nurturing relationships, and steps you can take to better any relationships that you may not be giving your full time or attention to.

How has the relationship been deprived?  Relationships often suffer because we don’t make them a priority.  Think about how much time you invest in things such as watching your favorite television shows, surfing the internet and social media, cheering on your beloved sports team, etc.—then compare that with the amount of time that you devote to your spouse, children, family, or friends.  If you aren’t devoting time, the relationship often won’t survive.

Are you communicating with this person?  The more you communicate, the stronger the relationship will become.  Make sure to be honest, open, and kind—even when there are disagreements.  Are you able to approach difficulties with a positive attitude and find compromise?  Can you support one another emotionally while still maintaining your own point of view?  If your relationship is deprived of communication, it won’t grow and will cease to exist eventually.

Keep reading this week as we provide additional tips and ways that you can nurture relationships in your own life.  Thanks for reading!

 

Source: Parenting Your Out of Control Teenager by Scott Sells, PhD

Written by: Christy Fogg, MSW, LCSW

Christy Fogg, MSW, LCSW is a licensed therapist at Imagine Hope Counseling Group.  Christy enjoys doing marriage counseling, individual counseling, couples and relationship counseling.  Christy also provides family counseling, child counseling, and adolescent counseling.

Imagine Hope serves the Indianapolis area, including the surrounding areas of Carmel, Fishers, Noblesville, Zionsville, and Westfield.