Do You Have a “Damaged” Love Style?- Pleaser & Vacillator

No one wants to damage their relationship and the way they love each other. Learning these 5 love styles by Milan & Kay Yerkovich can create deeper connections in your relationship and create more intimacy. Let's discuss two more styles: The Pleaser

This person growing up was the "good child" and wanted to make everyone happy and proud of them. This person does not like criticism or rejection, and therefore meets the needs of other people without being concerned about their own needs being met. Because this person does not like rejection, being separated or in conflict with loved ones creates anxiety and insecurity (or sometimes jealousy) to develop. Oftentimes it's hard to be honest for fear of other's reactions will be. This person bites their tongue, avoids conflict, and feels resentful often.

To overcome this, a Pleaser can start saying "No". The goal is emotional honesty, which will create self-confidence, pride and less resentment. As a result of "saying what you mean and meaning what you say", other people will start to understand your needs and start honoring them. As a result, relationships feel more fulfilling and respectful.

The Vacillator

This person could be described as "sensitive" and has a deep desire to connect to their loved one. They easily get rejected or feel unwanted or abandoned. Early in relationships they put their mate up on a pedestal, only to be disappointed or angry when their expectations of this person isn't met. People in relationships with a vacillator feel like they "walk on eggshells" because of the different types of emotions shown by a vacillator (either intense love or disappointment).  This person focuses on the negatives in others, and doesn't easily accept the flaws in other people.

The goal here is to start being direct with needs. Don't assume loved ones knows what a Vacillator wants, or that "if they loved you enough they would just know what you need". That's bologna. Really. Accept the positives and negatives in everybody and learn how to express sadness and hurt instead of anger. The goal is to be respectful when sharing hurt feelings & looking at each situation & person realistically and not putting them on a pedestal.

Know a Pleaser or Vacillator? Maybe you identify with these styles yourself? If so, check out Milan & Kay Yerkovich's book "How We Love" for more information. Check back in on Thursday as Natalie goes over the next style, Controllers. Thanks for reading!

Written by: Tamara Wilhelm MA, LMHC

*Tamara enjoys doing marriage counseling, individual counseling, & couples counseling  at Imagine Hope. We also specialize in family counseling, child & adolescent counseling. Imagine Hope serves the Indianapolis area, including the surrounding areas of Carmel, Noblesville, Zionsville, Westfield & Fishers.