Pia Mellody's Relationship Maxims 7-12

In continuance of our blog this week, here are more of Pia Mellody's maxims: 7. Lead your life and see who shows up. When you honor your own personal beliefs and goals, you will find yourself peaceful enough to wait for the right person to show up that honors your personal beliefs as well. If you are healthy, then you will attract healthy people.

8. When walled-in people develop healthy boundaries, they will at first feel naked and vulnerable. When hiding behind walls in relationships, you cannot connect with people, nor can they connect with you. It's isolating and lonely. When you do away with the walls you once felt comfortable with, healthy boundaries can feel very uncomfortable.

9. Resentment is like taking poison in the hope that your enemy will die. "Resentment and self-pity are important when we feel someone has wronged us and treated us as if we were worthless. Resentment and self-pity help us go to a proper defense. But, when we falsely feel that we are victims, when we feel the need to get even with someone who has not victimized us, we become obnoxious and self-defeating".

10. Getting esteem from someone else never creates self-esteem. Self-esteem comes from inside of ourselves. It does not waiver & holds strong in the face of judgement of others. The esteem that comes from praise from other people is called other-esteem, and varies from person to person.

11. Sex is not the equivalent of a handshake or emptying your bladder. "Using sex to introduce yourself to somebody is not good self-care, because you don't know the person well enough to be doing something that intimate. Becoming emotionally vulnerable with someone you don't know is dangerous".

12. Setting up a boundary with those who are boundaryless makes them feel abandoned. People who don't have any boundaries at all generally get too close & overstep other's spaces. If you put a boundary on them, they will feel threatened, no matter how healthy the boundary. The opposite is true as well. Those who have walls for boundaries will feel naked when the wall is removed and feel very vulnerable with appropriate boundaries in place.

Thank you for reading, and check back in as we go over more relationship maxims. Hope you've been enjoying so far!

*adapted or directly quoted from Pia Mellody's book The Intimacy Factor  pgs 137-138.

Written by: Tamara Wilhelm MA, LMHC

*Tamara enjoys doing marriage counseling, individual counseling, & couples counselingat Imagine Hope. We also specialize in family counseling, child & adolescent counseling. Imagine Hope serves the Indianapolis area, including the surrounding areas of Carmel, Noblesville, Zionsville, Westfield & Fishers.