When you get frustrated with your partner, do you notice a phrase in your head that starts with, "If he really loved me, he would just know I'm upset about ________"? Or maybe you have conversations in your head that sound like this, "But if I tell her, then she will get so upset. And I can't stand how I feel when she gets upset. So I guess I can't say anything."
If either of these examples sound familiar, your mind might be tangled up in some "Love knots".
In the book "If you really loved me...", Dr. Lori Gordon writes about this concept. A love knot is a subconscious assumption we have about love and relationships. When it gets triggered by feeling hurt, scared, frustrated, disappointed, etc., it explodes into a spiral of thoughts that causes us to not be able to think clearly.
These hidden "rules" are based on what we need and expect in relationships that are usually built from experiences in childhood. A love knot feels like it protects us from not getting more hurt in our relationship, but in reality it sabotages the chances of our relationship getting better.
As you read through the love knots discussed this week, I encourage you to step back and see what lies are in your head about relationships. Once you discover one, take a step back and ask "Why do I think that?" Once you get to the root of why, you can start to replace the knot with a healthy expectation.
Check back tomorrow as we start digging in to common love knots we hear our clients struggle with!
Source: "If you really loved me..." by Dr. Lori Gordon
Written by Teri Claassen MSW, LCSW, LCAC
Teri Claassen MSW, LCSW, LCAC is a licensed therapist at Imagine Hope Counseling Group. Teri enjoys doing marriage counseling, individual counseling, couples and relationship counseling. Teri also does family counseling, child counseling, and adolescent counseling. Imagine Hope serves the Indianapolis area, including the surrounding areas of Carmel, Fishers, Noblesville, Zionsville, and Westfield.