Do You Have a "Damaged Love Style"? Controller and Victim

By now you may have identified some of the ways you love by either being an avoider, a pleaser, or a vacillator. If you are not sure what these types are, please read Teri and Tamara's blog from earlier in the week. This information is from the powerful book, "How We Love" by Milan and Kay Yerkovich. Today I will talk to you about the Controller and the Victim The Controller

We all probably know someone who is the Controller. Some of us may work for someone like this or even be married to someone with this style. Many times, the Controller grew up in a chaotic environment where they felt little control over circumstances or emotions. The emotional climate was chaotic and chaos seemed "normal". So they learned to control things to feel better. The Controller as an adult uses threats, intimidation, and sometimes even violence to get their needs met. They are very uncomfortable with vulnerable emotions in themselves like fear, grief, or insecurity, so they lash out in anger to divert anyone from seeing this pain.

In order for a Controller to heal, they must acknowledge and confront the pain of growing up in such chaos. They must also become more comfortable with their own emotions as well as the emotions of those around them. There is usually a lot of grief under the anger.

The Victim

The Victim usually grew up in a chaotic home as well. They tried to be passive, complaint, and not noticed, in order to avoid negative emotion. Usually they will marry someone who is controlling. Because they feel controlled and feel very little control over their circumstances, they often feel like a victim. They love with a Victim mentality. They do not want to rock the boat so they don't share anything that is negative. Because they don't have a voice, they often feel controlled by their spouse, thus they feel like a victim. It is a cycle.

It is important for the Victim to also identify and process the pain of a chaotic home. It is imperative for them to find a safe person to talk to in order to learn to have a voice and it be heard. Then they can gain confidence to actually tell their feelings to the Controller and feel ok with their feelings.

Tomorrow Joleen will tell us about the Secure Connector. I hope you are learning to identify how you love this week. Thank you for reading.

Written by Natalie Chandler

Natalie Chandler, MA, LMHC is a therapist at Imagine Hope Counseling Group. Natalie enjoys doing marriage counseling, individual counseling, and couples counseling.  We also specialize in family counseling, child, and adolescent counseling. Imagine Hope serves the Indianapolis area including the surrounding areas of Carmel, Fishers, Noblesville, Westfield, and Zionsville.